Mantra
by TashaLaw
Summary: She really needed to say the words. After all, it was going to be the first time she said those particular words to a romantic partner. Oneshot.


**Title**: Mantra

**Summary**: She really needed to say the words. After all, it was going to be the first time she said those particular words to a romantic partner. Oneshot.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Castle.

**Spoilers**: None. I am trying to stay relatively spoiler free for the season finale.

**A/N**: As my last story wasn't particularly romantic, I think all the shippiness spilled out into this one. Some established (dating) fluff for a Wednesday. Reviews are always appreciated.

* * *

"I... let me start again."

Not the most eloquent beginning. Kate took a deep breath.

"I... I love you."

Her voice shook slightly but she was able to get all the words out on the second try.

"I love you."

That attempt was better, although she could still hear the tremor. Maybe she needed to change the inflection.

"I _love_ you."

The more she said it, the more each word sounded strange and unfamiliar, as though she were speaking a foreign language. Maybe she needed to personalize the message a little, make it truly her own.

"I love you, Castle."

She frowned. Should she use his first name? She almost never called him 'Rick,' but this occasion seemed to warrant the intimacy of using his first name.

"I love you, Rick."

Okay, now it really sounded weird.

Kate sighed as she looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. She had stripped to her underwear and was almost ready to take a shower, her semi-nakedness reflecting the vulnerability of the phrase she was rehearsing. Castle had already said it to her, over a week before, and while he hadn't pressed her to return the sentiment, she really wanted to.

Of course, he'd said it to her long ago, in the wake of a sniper bullet on a day when the grass was too green, the sky was too blue, and her blood on his hands was too red to even contemplate such words. He knew she'd heard him that day, a confession she'd made shortly before they started dating. But he hadn't said it again until one week earlier, whispered in her ear amid pillow talk as they lay cuddled in bed together.

She had wanted to say it back, but when she tried to speak, her jaws clamped shut and her heart beat even faster than before.

Ever since then, something held her back every time she tried to say it. It wasn't that she didn't feel it - she did. She loved him, a lot. More than any man she'd ever been with. And not just romantic love, either. She loved him like a friend, like a respected colleague, like the fan of his books she'd been even before they'd met.

"I love you," she tried again. Still not satisfied, she deviated to, "I love you, too."

Frowning at the addition of 'too,' Kate discarded it. He may have said it first, but she wanted him to know that the sentiment wasn't just an echo of his feelings. She felt it just as strongly as he did.

She was going to get it out, even if she said it so many times to herself that it became a personal mantra.

As a change of pace, she held up one hand so she could see it reflected back in the mirror, and she tucked in her middle two fingers to make the sign language shorthand for "**I love you.**" It was a sign she had learned long ago from her mother and one she didn't feel the slightest bit uncomfortable with. But it wasn't going to be enough for telling Castle. She really needed to say the words.

After all, it was going to be the first time she said those particular words to a romantic partner. And first times were always the most difficult.

* * *

An hour later, still damp from her shower, Katepulled out a pen and paper and tried writing the words, hoping that might make the admission easier.

**I love you.**

No, she was definitely going to have to include his name if she wrote it. Otherwise, how would it be distinguishable from anyone else writing it? But that brought up the whole Castle versus Rick debate, and she was still conflicted on that.

**I love you, Kate**

She immediately scratched it out, concerned it sounded too much like she was writing the words to herself rather than to him and then signing her name. Besides, if she was going to write a note and give it to him middle-school fashion, it needed to be a little more eloquent and keepsake-worthy.

**I love you so very much.**

Was the extra sentiment superfluous? Did it sound better keeping it simple? Besides, Castle was a writer. Anything she said on paper would pale in comparison to what he could articulate.

**I wish I could tell you how much I love you.**

But that was the point of all this, wasn't it? To just get over herself and say the words, to let him know what she felt in her heart, what she knew for a certainty. She loved this man. In the simplest and most complicated senses of the word, she loved him. And she really wanted him to hear it from her own lips.

Why was this so difficult? And why, when she had she never managed to say it to another man, was it so important that she tell Castle now? She supposed it was because in the past, she'd never been truly sure if she was in love. She had liked the men she dated, certainly. There were even a few that she did love as good friends and companions. But it wasn't until Castle stepped into her life that Kate felt she truly appreciated the concept of being _in love_.

And it was important that he knew. It was important for her to say it back to him, so he understood what this relationship meant to her.

Abandoning the paper, Kate headed into her bedroom to get dressed, whispering the mantra to herself as she went.

* * *

"I

Castle knocked on her door exactly on time. She suppressed a smile, wondering if he'd been waiting outside or if he had arrived at the perfect moment.

He looked good. It still amazed her how sexy he could look in a simple dress shirt and slacks.

"You ready?" he asked, having arrived early at her apartment for numerous dates only to sit on the couch for a quarter hour waiting for her to finish getting dressed.

Not that he ever complained, of course, and on at least one occasion, he had following her back to her bedroom for some 'clothing optional' activities which made them extremely late for their dinner reservation.

"Almost," Kate answered. She just needed to find the shoes she preferred to pair with the dress she was wearing.

Alone in her bedroom, digging through her closet, she mentally repeated her mantra. _I love you. I love you. I love you._

Maybe if she got it out enough times while she was alone, she could actually say it when the time was appropriate.

Finally finding both shoes, Kate slipped them on, checked herself in the bedroom mirror, and returned to the living room. Castle was still standing rather than occupying the couch, having taken her at her word with 'almost.' He smiled broadly at the sight of her, just as he usually did. The love in his eyes was obvious, and it made her heart pound faster.

_I love you._

The words came to mind unbidden, but she stood there dumbly, unable to speak. Castle immediately noticed.

"Are you okay?" he asked in concern.

Kate shook off the question, annoyed at having frozen once again. "I'm fine. We should head to the restaurant before we lose our reservation."

* * *

The restaurant was an excellent pick, the kind of place where patrons could enjoy both food and atmosphere without feeling as though they were the center of attention. As often as Castle was recognized by adoring fans when they were out together, Kate had learned to appreciate the more low-key places.

On one prior occasion, a fan had actually come to their table, interrupted their meal to introduce herself to Castle, and proceeded to flirt with him shamelessly right in front of Kate. An old pro at handling such awkward situations, Castle had thanked her kindly for reading and gently dismissed her back to her dinner companion. Afterwards, he had apologized to Kate, looking more embarrassed than he ever had in the past when interrupted by a fan. Since then, their dinners had been more reserved, at restaurants with secluded corners and discrete staff.

As they perused their menus, Kate snuck a glance across the table at Castle. When their relationship had changed from simply 'partners' to 'partners and lovers,' she had no notion that he would act differently towards her. But he did. And she didn't mind it like she thought she would.

At work, he still let her go first through into the elevator, he let her open the doors, and he let her drive. But as they explored this new relationship - the word was slightly terrifying - Castle tended to take the lead. He opened doors for her, including her car door. He drove (at least half of the time). He also pulled out her chair for her and paid for most of their meals. In short, while their partnership at work hadn't changed much, their personal relationship looked every bit like two people dating would.

The distinction allowed her to value these evenings together, away from crime scene photos and witnesses and trips to the morgue. His actions also made her feel special - he went to such efforts for her despite how long they had known each other.

Her mantra repeated in her head. _ I love you._

"I love..."

The first two words came out, but then the last lodged in her throat. He looked up at her from his menu, and she wondered what on earth had possessed her to try to say it at this moment. It would sound strange, coming out now, almost obligatory. Plus he was staring at her like he thought she might need the Heimlich maneuver. What a disaster.

"...this restaurant," she managed, a second later. She followed the halting comment up with a question, "How did you find it?"

If he noticed the change in her voice, he gave no indication of it as he launched into an animated story involving James Patterson and a bet to see who would be recognized first. The loser had to go an entire dinner following everything he said to the waitress with a reminder of his name. They'd chosen this restaurant to fulfill the bet.

"I swear, by the time he said, 'We'd like the check please. And my name is James Patterson,' I was cracking up so much I thought I was going to fall out of my chair."

Kate laughed as he finished the story. While she loved hearing about his interactions with other writers, the anecdote reminded her of what a different life he lead outside her company. Sometimes when he was eating Chinese food in the conference room and joking with Ryan and Esposito, it was difficult to remember that this same man could be socializing with the rich and famous. But she had a feeling that if asked, he would prefer sitting around the murder board with them to drinking champagne with society's elite.

She realized she had zoned out again when Castle asked her, "What are you thinking?"

Kate flashed him a genuine smile. "Just thinking about you."

"Good things, I hope."

"Always."

* * *

Dinner proved delicious, as she knew it would when she ordered based on Castle's recommendation. Flirting over entrees had led to playing footsy under the table, and by the time the waiter cleared their plates and asked if they wanted to order dessert, Castle instead asked for the check. Once the waiter was out of earshot, he winked at Kate and asked if she wouldn't rather enjoy dessert at the loft.

The wait for the valet to bring the car took too long for Kate's liking, but as Castle drove them back to his place, she distracted herself by distracting him. A touch of the hand here, a whisper in his ear there... the little things she did caused him to drive a little faster than normal. But he was still careful, taking no unnecessary risks with their safety, despite his anxiousness to get them home.

She really did love this man.

Once they got to the parking garage of his building, they'd barely made it out of the car before his lips were on hers and his body pressing them both against a concrete support beam. They separated just long enough for him to lead her by the hand to the elevator and then they were kissing again, not caring if the doorman was watching from the security camera.

The trip from the elevator to the door took three times as long as usual, and they didn't separate until Castle dropped his keys in a failed attempt to blindly unlock the door. Thankfully, his mother and Alexis were both out of town for the weekend, allowing them to immediately start divesting each other of clothing as soon as the door was shut. Shoes went first, followed by a shirt and panty-hose. His pants and her dress ended up in a heap outside his office.

By the time they were down to their underwear, kissing and caressing on his bed, Kate was reminded of her earlier practice session in the bathroom. Perhaps now, with his mouth on her body and his hands doing amazing things to her, now would be a good time to tell him her feelings.

But Kate was too breathless, their movements too hurried and passionate for her to think clearly. She finally dismissed the endeavor for another time, not wanting it to be lost among the moans and gasps of pleasure. Oh, the things he did to her. She was so glad they'd added this level to their relationship.

Instead of shouting out the words as she spasmed and climaxed beneath him, she only said his name, "Castle!"

As they lay together afterwards, warmly cocooned in his Egyptian cotton sheets with ridiculous thread counts in his roomy king-sized bed, Kate decided that the name question had been decided. He was Castle, at least for now and at least until his first name did not sound so uncertain on her lips.

He ran his fingers down her arms and through her hair as he whispered quiet words to her in the dark, making comments and suggestions that alternately made her laugh and made her blush. He had a way with words, and she had already discovered that his gift extended to pillow talk. Kate let his voice encase her as securely as his arms as it lulled her into a drowsy state of sated bliss. She felt herself relax against him as her mind slowly cycled down in preparation for sleep.

It was in that state, safe and content and completely vulnerable with him, her mantra fit the best.

"I love you, Castle," Kate murmured, so sleepy she barely registered uttering the words.

He smiled at her in the dark, and she felt him press a kiss to her cheek. "I love you too, Kate."


End file.
